Broadband Saga - Part 1

Ivé decided to get a phone line installed so that I can have broadband which will mean I can download more than half a clip on “You-tube” before my computer slows to jurassic speed and thus converting my life into slow motion.The “Dongle” system is hopelessly one paced and went off all together for a week and a half recently.


The chap from “Telefonica” rolled up last Friday but couldn´t do a thing because we couldn´t locate the junction box – or the porter, who could´ve possibly pointed us in the right direction. He said that he would come back next morning “Between 9 and 10”, so I dutifully waited in even though I knew he wouldn´t be there – especially with it being Saturday – which I had initially overlooked, - which indeed so had he – obviously. So I then waited in on Monday – and nothing – until 1:45pm when he phoned me to say he´d be with me in “15 minutes”. An hour later he polled up and I informed on the intercom to stay down stairs and I would show him the where the junction box was (I´d meantime asked the porter in my pidgin spanish of its whereabouts – he regarded me with bewilderment before answering in English). When I got down there he was nowhere to be seen so I rushed back up the stairs to see him grinning at me outside my door.I practically took him by the hand and led him back down the stairs and to the junction box which resembled a severe explosion in a spaghetti factory. I then told him that I was due in work in 10 minutes and how long would he be, this seemed to baffle him and he then informed me that he had left a tool he needed back at base. “How long” I pleaded. “15 minutes” he replied (I think that “15 minutes” was the only English he knew). Luckily our barman Dave who was in the bar on a social visit agreed to babysit him whilst I went about my shift, and had to wait a further 2 hours for our friend to return and finally install the line. Well, at least that´s done, only problem is “Telefonica” have me down as flat 11B instead of 3B, and when I informed the internet company of this (who have been organizing all this) the girl said “Oh, dont worry about that´cos “Telefonica” work to a different map to the rest of the country”!! – Now, whilst I can fully believe that scenario, unless the postman is also working to their exclusive map, flat 11B are going to receive my bills right? – I´ll let you know. – I´m still waiting for the internet connection by the way.

We´ve Got Film Star´s Coming In Now!

Into the depths of the winter season now, and although work isn´t as plentiful as it once was the stuff that I´ve got left is hugely enjoyable. The Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club throws up the usual array of characters, the latest being a slightly portly gentleman who wanted to jump the singers queue for the karaoke. When the Concert Chairman told him that this was not at all possible he produced a battered old black and white photograph of Sylvester Stallone insisting that it was one of him taken at an earlier date. This was no joke and he did indeed believe he WAS the Hollywood film star, and when he took his turn, he refused to sing until we played “Eye Of The Tiger” as his intro, he loved this and shadow boxed his way on to the stage uttering an expletive with every wayward punch. (He sang a bit like Sylvester Stallone come to think of it).


Whilst sharing a “dressing room” with the girls who do the Abba tribute show in “Sinatras” the other week, one of them asked how the audience were, as I had just come off, - I said they were fine. “Yes, I was told off by standing in the way of someone whilst you were on” said one. Whilst her mate chipped in, and without a hint of malice “No, they were complaining cos they couldn´t see the football on the tele”. Showbiz eh.

The latest venture is a Saturday sports radio show on FabFm Spain that I do with Nigel from the “Cumberland Bar”, this is a joy to do, and the 2 hour show is rounded off in the company of “The Voice Of Reason” – The Concert Chairman, spouting off and proving once and for all he knows absolutely everything about nothing. This available on the internet on www.fabfmspain.com

"Let It Snow, Let It Snow, let It Snow..."

Had my first “White Christmas” since I was a lad, went back home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with flight delays and cancellations to the left and to the right of me, somehow managed to land on to the ice cap otherwise known as “Leeds Bradford Airport” the same day I set off. True we had to circle above the thing for a good half hour wondering if we dare plummet down through the clouds and take a chance but we made it the end, and I was only about half an hour late getting to the pre arranged rendezvous down the pub. Night time was a glorious throwback in time at “The Club” playing snooker with the boys, went for a return stint next day before dinner then the usual “Turkey with all the trimmings” – (why do we say that when the trimmings are on the wall?), before slumping on the sofa to the tried and trusted method of playing charades with my nearest and dearest whilst squinting at the box at the same time. (A bit of return to form for the “Royle Family” I thought).


Boxing Day had to dash back to Benidorm for my afternoon shift down the “Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s Club” which was packed with many a familiar face and a good knees up was had by all. New years Eve was another sell out and yet another liver savaging until about 6am meant I´d reached the end of me tether. Just when I was about to hit the de-tox button Leeds United only go to Old Trafford and knock Man United out of the FA Cup, so damn it all I had to start all over again!

Another new venture, as on Saturday me and Nigel from the “Cumberland” embark on our brand new sports show on “FabFM Spain” radio station,(available on tinternet 5 til 7pm) Think we´re gonna enjoy this, - should be a giggle, as it´s right up our street, - well, not exactly – it´s in Alfaz Del Pi, but you know what I mean.

"Been Down The Smoke Mate"

Just back from a very enjoyable trip back home, firstly to London, where, in order t keep within budget, we stayed in a disabled room at the "Holiday Lodge" near Covent garden. To be fair we didn´t request the disabled room - it´s all they had left, but save for the very low sink and the window that opened with a winding handle on the wall we didn´t notice much difference. Only problem was that the window didn´t shut properly and so I was shunted over to that side of the bed to dutifully sleep in the way of the icy blast for the duration of our stay.

Girlfriend Nikki and I seldom argue, but when we do it tends to be about getting lost, or arriving late somewhere (usually because we´ve got lost). We´d previously located "The Duchess Theatre" TWICE during the day to make sure we knew where it was, but as we exited the coffee shop in the early evening, we still headed in the wrong direction by about 180 degrees. Or at least we would have done if we had followed her instincts, - earlier I had taken the flak for getting us lost the first time around (we had spent most of the day hunting round in bewildered circles, only to find that if we had set off in the opposite direction from the hotel we would have been in the foyer of the theatre within 5 minutes).

The play itself is a one man affair starring Bob Golding, who takes on the daunting role as one of our greatest ever comics Eric Morecambe, it was a sterling effort and he received a standing ovation on its completion. As we came out into the night air we came across an old fashioned bicycle tethered to the lamp post and thought how wonderful it would have been if Eric would have peeped round the stage door with a long trench coat, flat cap and carrier bag, put on a pair of cycle clips and rode off into the night shouting "We-he-hey!"(But he didn´t).

The train journey back to Blackpool was a long and expensive one, costing about twice as much as the flight from Spain a couple of days before, and we came to a juddering halt as the train in front broke down in Wakefied Station. This ensured that we neatly missed our connection from Leeds by three minutes and had to wait another hour for the next one.

We drank down our 100th coffee of the trip in ´Starbucks´ and then had a nosey round the visitors centre. - Visitors centre? - in Leeds? We eventually made steady progress towards the west coast until a points failure at Poulton-Le-Fylde" which meant shifting from crawling along at 4.5 miles per hour and coming to a blind stop at regular intervals. By the time we arrived it had been dark for about four hours and we had lost an entire day somewhere.

The two days in Blackpool were spent reading about the Queens visit for the Royal Variety Show a couple of days previously and fending off chilblains.

Benidorm Fiestas

To the Spanish, the fiestas are a collection of spectacular street parades, travelling fun fairs, bustling roadside markets and wondrous breathtaking firework displays. To the British it´s a chance to get paralytic dressed as Donald Duck - each to their own eh!?

I would like to start by thanking Chubby Brown, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne, Bam Bam, Jeff Lynne, Big Chief Sitting Bull, The Virginian, Cocoa the clown (2 of), Reverand green from "Cluedo", Rod Stewart, Amy Winehouse, a team of zombies, a surgeon, sailor, soldier, a nun a honey bee, the "Great Big Sheikh Of Bury", a group of posh looking birds from the roaring 20´s and the many more who turned out for the annual fancy dress day at The Cumberland Bar as part of the climax of the November fiestas here in Benidorm. I personall incurred a blistered inner top lip as a result of the rubber teeth as part of the old "Dick Emery´s vicar routine", but it was well worth it.

Keep Piling On The Sun Cream, Wear A Hat, And Keep Yer Rear End Out Of Sight.

The temperatures here remain gloriously unseasonal, just a few days from November and still it feels like summer, normally at this time I´ve packed away me fair weather gear and have de bobbled the old jumpers with a view to actually wearing the things. Instead I spend the days (and nights) ligging round in me undercrackers with the windows wide open and one of the customers in the bar complained that he has over 20 mosquito bites on his buttocks! (maybe HE should have been ligging around in his underwear). That´s an impressive tally though isn´t it? – 20 - were they all delivered from the same mossie? – couldn´t it find a vein? – must have been the size of a bumble bee when it made its getaway - leaving its victim with an arse like a Belisha Becon no doubt.
The November fiestas are looming and I have sorted the garb for fancy dress day, - I´m going as Dick Emery´s vicar. Have got a long frock coat thing, grey wig and some rubber teeth – these strangely make me look more like Larry Grayson (“what a gay day”, “look at the muck in here” etc.) but I´m sticking with em.

"Let There Be Light..............."

And God Said “Let There Be Light, And There Was Light, And Then There Was No Light, Then There Was A Bit of Of Light, - And Then The Water Went off”

It´s a hardy old annual I know but, electric and Spain simply don´t get on do they? Everybody knows this and it will be forever thus, but why for God´s sake? I remember in the 80´s working in the Canaries, which of course isn´t actually in Spain, but we had power cuts most days of the week then. Usually early evening when I was getting ready, and many´s the time I turned up for work wearing the wrong trousers, toothpaste all around my mouth and underpants on back to front.
Fast forward 20 years and what has changed? – well, bugger all really. It´s not just that we get regular power cuts for no apparent reason either, generally the standard of wiring to household appliances tends to be shambolic. Where I live now the light in the living room consists of 2 bulbs within the fitting, sometimes one comes on but not the other, other times the other one will come on at the expense of its partner, but hardly ever together. It´s a similar story in the bedroom, once turned on they make an eerie fizzing sound, which results in one bulb burning out after a couple of weeks whilst the other one intermittingly goes brighter then dim, goes off altogether, then might come on again 10 minutes later. This has got steadily worse, and being a late night reader this was driving me up the pole. So today I moved the Light standard from the enclosed balcony and placed it next to my bed, there are two lights on this, a big one at the top and a separate arm which will do as a reading light. The only problem with this is that the light at the top sometimes emits a bit of light – even when it´s turned off! but not always. I´d earlier tried an ancient looking 60´s bedside lamp that I´d found in the wardrobe, and that flashed rapidly, like a strobe light, very impressive, but not much good to read by.
In my last apartment, - which was beautifully decorated and very pleasing on the eye, when I turned the bedroom light off, it turned off every other light in the place. Also the living room light would turn itself on! This could happen any time, but usually between 6 and 6.30 in the morning for some indiscernible reason. Two nights ago I read by candlelight as the electric had gone off altogether, and I laid there resigned to my fete, being eaten alive by rampant mossies (my mosquito killer plugs in) and squinting at the flickering pages of cricketer Micheal Atherton´s autobiography whilst listening to the “plink plink” of my fridge freezer gently defrosting. Well, at least I´ve got water, er,.........hang on a minute!