It's In A Box Of "Smellies" - But It Doesn't Smell.

So there goes another Christmas in high definition clarity as opposed to the hazy alcoholic blur of the ones of my youth, but hey, that’s progress!?
I’ve realized though that’s it’s perhaps best to be a little hung over on Christmas morning, if only to engineer a lie in. I was up at 8am all bright eyed and bushy arsed and not really knowing what to do with myself, for one preposterous minute contemplated cleaning the windows but managed to snap myself out of it. I was under strict instructions not to open my presents until girlfriend Nikki had arrived from her folk’s place where she was spending the night, and knowing her sleeping patterns I knew I could quite easily be kicking my heels for hours on end around the front room before making an infuriated phone call on Boxing Day.
She eventually rolled up just before mid day by which time I’d had two breakfasts, done a white wash and listened to a whole programme of Christmas carols as played by the “Brighouse and Rastric brass band” with vocals provided by the “Hudderfield Choral society”. (I later used a joke as told by presenter Christopher Timothy at “Sinatras” in my show, but it didn’t get the laughs as afforded to it by the congregation of St. Peter and Pauls church unfortunately).
Have to say I did pretty well presents wise, two jumpers, three books, a couple of dvd’s, hip flask, some “Mr. Men” socks, a “Next” pack of smellies, a calendar, a hamper, and a hoody top so I can frighten the pensioners at work of an afternoon. Unfortunately I managed to smash a beaker before I had chance to open it, it was a special Leeds United one as well with my name on it and I looked on horrified as it lay in pieces on the ground at my feet, all a bit too symbolic for my liking, mirroring exactly our season up to press. One piece of equipment in the “Next” pack has got me beat mind. It came in a little cardboard box labelled “Muscle Bar”, is the shape of a tablet of soap but is black in colour and odourless. I’m not all together sure what I’m supposed to do with it to be honest, I’ve been holding it up to the light and sniffing at it for days now, I did wash my face with it a couple of times but my sink went a funny colour and I came out looking like Al Jolson,....anybody got any ideas?

Tidings of Comfort And Joy.

Well it’s full steam ahead with the credit crunch then, what with Woolworths going breasts north and MFI folding (see how they like it), it’s all getting a bit down in the mouth back home. The holiday makers over here are suffering too, what with the exchange rate being such that, by the time you’ve changed your money over to Euros, you’ve just got about enough to phone home and ask for some more money to be sent over, - these are trying times.
The other “turns” that I’ve spoken to are getting a bit jumpy and wondering if they’ll manage to feed the cat this Christmas, but I think that it’s a bit early to be reaching for the poisoned mushrooms just yet, must admit though to feeling a bit paranoid meself. Recently after a show in the last remaining venue where I haven’t been laid off, the sound and lighting man who had just returned after a trip back home says. “I thought about you the other day, I bumped into a Big Issue seller in Wakefield”. (!?!?) It turns out that this particular character was Polish and it reminded him of a couple of jokes I use in the act (all in the best possible taste of course, and anyway it isn’t me strictly speaking, it’s Billy Connolly).
I’ve spent most of the last couple of weeks writing a synopsis for my book “Chasing The Cheese – A Year In The Life Of A Benidorm class B Celeb”, but whichever way I write it, it makes me sound like some slightly twisted student out to make a nuisance of himself in his gap year, or some dozy old train spotter who’s finally fallen off the end of the platform, but there you go. I’ve trawled the internet looking for suitable publishers and literary agents who might be interested in my work, and come to the conclusion that, well,…. there aren’t any. Not helped by the fact that 99.87% (I’ve done the research), of them reside in London!! - no reason to stop trying though.
A couple of news stories that appealed this week are of the pilot who flew 80 passengers from Cardiff to Paris and then announced “I’m not qualified to land, - we’ll have to turn back”. It turns out that once they arrived in Paris it was a touch foggy and he hadn’t got the qualifications to land in overcast conditions would you believe. What about taking off in overcast conditions then? Presumably he’s fairly skilled in this procedure if he’s working out of Cardiff in the middle of winter?!
The other one concerns a 22 year old woman who was banned from buying a box of Christmas crackers because staff feared she was too young under the 1875 explosives act.
She had picked out a box of ten crackers at Marks & Spencer in York and was amazed to be asked by check-out staff if she was 16 or over. This is a direct quote from the paper -

Heather said: "The member of staff looked at me for a moment before asking for ID. She refused to believe that I was 22 even though I have nearly finished a degree course.
"As if that wasn't bad enough, she said that she was protecting me by not selling me them. It's as if she was suggesting that if I was left alone with the crackers I couldn't be trusted and might blow myself up."

Ten Years!!

It’s my anniversary today; I’ve been here in Benidorm for 10 years! That’s like a whole year, times by ten, hang on I’ll check, it can’t possibly be true can it, I mean 10 years, I should be retired by now. I lived in Blackpool for two and a half years before that and in my own mind I’ve lived in both places for exactly the same amount of time. I don’t even know why I remember it was the 10th of December when I landed here, but I do, I didn’t realize it then but I couldn’t have picked a worse time really, this little chunk between the November fiestas and Christmas is possibly the quietest time of the year. Just to underline this fact, I’ve been laid off from three of my four jobs this week.
But there I was just innocent middle aged bloke looking to break back into show business after taking a decade off due to the fact that I’d have been up on a manslaughter charge if I hadn’t taken time out, such was my relationship with my agents. I had subsequently worked as a postman, and then barman and every other job with “man” in the title until I felt confident enough to return to the fray.
To say I struggled when I first got here is putting it mildly, I didn’t have an act so I was basically unemployable, living in a freezing hostel in the Old Town with a bunch of surreal nutters in a room that your average psychiatric patient would turn his nose up at was a bit of an eye opener. The mattress had a lean of 45 degrees, weighed about 3 ounces and the window was so small I could only look out with one eye at a time. (I’d appreciate it if you’d hum the theme tune from the Hovis advert at this point), I would tip toe down to the beach bare foot at first light for a bracing run before breakfast, flicking loose stones from my heel and averting the stares from local cops as I frolicked on the sand. Oh, the innocence of it all.
My girlfriend, in a strange loop of fete now lives in Blackpool and we communicate on “Skype” whereby you can talk for an unlimited amount of time for free over the internet, you can also see each other. Not sure agree with that bit though, half of the fun of conversing on the phone is that you can pick at your toe nails or have a good scratch at your nether regions whilst discussing the price of washing powder.”How’s your day been?” I politely inquired last night.
“Oh, nothing special really, but I had to buy a pregnancy test from the chemist and then a packet of cigarettes” she mused matter-of-factly. After I’d matter-of-factly fallen out of my chair, I thought for a bit, pulled myself together and croaked, “Er,....what!!!??, ......but.......you don’t even smoke!” (Well, actually no I didn’t say that, I’ve only just thought of it now – but I was shocked).
“It’s for class” was supposed to allay my fears. I must point out at this point that she is taking a degree in acting, and the part she is playing today is that of a chain smoking nymphomaniac apparently. Whatever.

Wake Me Up Next Week.

Well, it’s been a lean few days here in Benidorm, the beginning of December is a notoriously quiet time here, placed as it is between the November fiestas and festive celebrations. There was another fiesta yesterday – “Constitution Day” and today we are celebrating the "Imaculate conception" apparently, - would have loved to have seen the look on Joseph's face when Mary came up with that one. You’ve got to hand it to em over here, by the last calculation there’s only about 3 weeks a year without some day off thrown in, they’ve adopted every fiesta from within a 500 mile radius and Christmas lasts about two months.
“The Cumberland Sports & Social Club” re-opens on 14th December and personally I can’t wait to get stuck into it once more, these afternoons are gradually getting longer, I’ve been trailing round the shops today (the Chinese ones – the Spanish ones are all shut), looking for little round sunglasses, not for me you understand, - for Ozzy Osbourne.
Here’s something that caught my eye in the paper while I was on my way to the “World’s Biggest Liar” competition the other week. The new “Colemanballs” book is out, which, if you didn’t know is the bible for all gaffes of the sporting nature. Here’s one or two from the latest volume.
“Once you’ve thrown the javelin, it’s out of your hands” – Tessa Sanderson
“The great North Run is the longest half marathon in the world” – Talksport Radio
“Calzaghe has managed to keep all his personal problems out of his life” - Duke McKenzie.
“He was running quicker than his legs could go” - Steve McLaren
“We are not as good as we think we are. We need to go out there and prove that” – Steve McLaren.
“Gary Neville was captain, and now Ryan Giggs has taken on the mantelpiece” – Rio Ferdinand.
“He chanced his arm and it came off” – Bryan Moore
“If you want a quiet life, you have to turn a blind ear” – Geoff Boycott
“It would help if the groundsman didn’t scatter his seed around the place a couple of days before the game” – Jonathon Agnew.
“Camebridge have won the boat race! – Oxford have come second”. – Geoff Twentyman (BBC radio Bristol).